As I was cleaning, I found it. I wrote it three years ago, yet I teared up as I read it, again, feeling like it’s still my anthem! I remember, at the time, the stuff with my health felt weighty, and the Spirit moved me to write. There were a handful of times I’d write a song, in high school and beyond, in order to connect how I was feeling with Truth in my soul. I’m not big on “journaling,” but song writing? That was an easier way for me to process things and express my heart in a way I didn’t feel I could otherwise. I know the Spirit was leading, as it didn’t take long at all to put words to paper; they just flowed. I remember doing a couple edits, but they were few. This is the song the Spirit led me to write, and my soul sings today:
I stood there and listened to voices around Tears down my face; I could not make a sound There once was a day when my voice filled the skies Now, hearing my "voice" brings tears to my eyes But I will sing With all I have to give My praise will ring Through this life You gave to live My heart lays down Every pain that I bear And You, my God, You always meet me there I will sing! The list of afflictions just keeps getting longer But I walk in Your strength; my soul just gets stronger How will I now serve you? I'm so limited I still have a purpose in Your Word, I have read I'm no longer able to do what I used to But I trust You to lead me wherever You choose And I will sing With all I have to give My praise will ring Through this life You gave to live My heart lays down Every pain that I bear And You, my God, You always meet me there I will sing! My struggles have purpose I grow to know You more You reveal more of You It's You I adore! May my life tell Your story Let Your faithfulness ring No matter my path Your name I will sing! So, I sing With all I have to give My praises ring Through this life You gave to live My heart lays down Every pain that I bear And You, my God, You always meet me here I sing! Oh, I sing With the deep part of my soul I sing To the One Who makes me whole ~ Penned on 9.28.19
My health issues started with severe migraines. They affected my ability to work and function for a number of years before I started getting a glitch in my voice. I was eventually diagnosed with spasmodic dysphonia, which is a neurological disorder, and mine manifested itself in my vocal cords. It got increasingly worse until, when I was pregnant with my son, it sounded like someone was strangling my vocal cords. I could hardly talk, let alone sing. It was exhausting for me to try to push air into my vocal cords to produce more than a few words. My husband would order for me, if we went out to eat (talking over background noise was extremely taxing). I was a technical recruiter at the time, and some candidates would answer their phone; hear my voice; and unknowingly respond rudely to what they thought was a prank call. I had to explain that it wasn’t a prank; I was calling them about a particular job or the resume they’d sent me (backpedaling heard here…). When I talked to someone face-to-face, I learned to look them in the eye and keep my entire face directed at theirs, so they could read my lips. Even at that, my husband did a lot of interpreting for me; bless him!
I remember one Sunday, I was standing among the congregation in church, where I’d previously sung up front numerous times, in a variety of capacities. At that moment, nothing would come out, no matter how hard I tried. Tears began streaming down my face. I SO wanted to sing! It was then that the Spirit explained to me that I WAS! He didn’t need my words in that moment; He was listening to my heart, and it WAS singing! It was through this agony that He was teaching me more about true worship.